I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
