You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I look better un-naked...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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