I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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