In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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