Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
