God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize