I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
