If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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