I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
