So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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