she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
