I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize