I wish I only lived at night.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Farmville is her only friend.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think your dad took our porno
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
