All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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