he told me I talked like a deaf person
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
