In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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