I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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