I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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