I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
