you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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