I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
