i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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