non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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