woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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