We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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