I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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