u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
