I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
