they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I believe in your delicious
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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