Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
