...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
