why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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