Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
