Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just invented taco cereal.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
