we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
