Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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