I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
