sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
