They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
even my farts smell like vagina
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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