Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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