The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we made out on top of his cat.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
