I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
