omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
