I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
