Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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