I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My first STD was from a foam party
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
