he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
