oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
