Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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