I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
