I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
