I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
