you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
