Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
