I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
