My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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