I didn't shave. On purpose
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
