he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
