I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
