We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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