we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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